More on real programmers
Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche
Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-
scorching Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't write application programs. They program right down on
to the bare metal. Application programming is for dullards who can't do systems
Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they
get; they are lucky to get any programs at all.
Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand and harder to modify.
Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simpletons who can't read
listings or the object code from the dump.
Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good
it did for them.
Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the hallmark of
the novice and the coward.
Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who
maintain ancient payroll programs.
Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business Oriented
Laymen who can't run a business nor a real program.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear
white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor
Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal retentives who
can't chose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC
after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in APL unless the whole program can be written on
Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, BLISS, ADA, or any of those other sissy
computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak
Real Programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw
them on the machine they can be patched into working order in 'only a few'
30-hour debugging sessions.
Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any Real Programmers are around at 9am,
it's because they were up all night.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change
of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear climbing boots
to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the
Real Programmers disdain stuctured programming. Structured programming is for
compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-trained. They wear neckties
and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk.
Real Programmers don't like the Team Programming concept. Unless, of course,
they are the Chief Programmer.
Real Programmers never 'write' memos on paper. They 'send' memos via MAIL.
Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They
exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and
other mental defectives.
Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to 'think big.'
Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMW's,
Lincolns, or pickup trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly
Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
Managers 'firm up' schedules. Frihtened coders strive to meet schedules. Real
Programmers ignore schedules.
Real Programmers like vending-machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave
oven. Real Programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell which
jobs are running just by listening to the rate of popping.
Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in
every Real Program. Candyass architects won't allow Execute instructions to
address another Execute as the target instruction.
Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.
Real Programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells
it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it!
Vending machines don't sell Quiche!
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