Metroid: Rewritten II \ Answer by David Minter.
"Metroid: Rewritten II \ Answer"
Written by David Minter.
Based on the Nintendo video games "Metroid" @1986,
"Metroid II: Return of Samus" @1991, and "Super Metroid"
@1994 all by Nintendo of America, Incorporated, the
concept of the Book and Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista
Records, and material from the collected storylines of
"Gremlins: Rewritten," "Critters: Rewritten," "Gremlins 2:
Rewritten," "Night of the Living Dead: Rewritten," "Bionic
Commando: Rewritten," "Star Wars: Rewritten," "Return of
the Living Dead: Rewritten," "The Terminator: Rewritten,"
and "Metroid: Rewritten \ A Call for Help" all written by
David Minter @1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, and 1996.
This is the story of "Metroid: Rewritten II \ Answer."
You can read along with me in your book. You will know it
is time to turn the page when you hear the life sucking
Metroid go like this: SHLUCK! Let's begin... now!
Remember to turn the page every time you hear the sound.
Baxter Stockman turned to face the voluminous glass
jar that his creation was gestating in. He grinned at it.
"It knows what to do..." Although unseen, he knew what it
was doing. Ultra sonic waves, beyond a range known even
to the Professor from Gilligan's Island, were emanating
out from the creature. The waves enveloped Stockman's
rocket like a bubble. Down in the target that the rocket
was currently plummeting towards, the RADAR operators down
at NORAD detected nothing. "Sir! Some sort of strange
static energy has incapacitated the RADAR sensors!" "Sir!
Visual confirmations report some sort of ballistic device
is heading right towards us. Probable missile attack: 98%
certainty!" General Barry Corbin took over. "Right.
Alert the President, get me Mr. McKitrick, and spit on a
sparkplug!" The spitting occurred first, and while that
was going on, several anti-missile missiles were launched
at the target. When they came within the field
surrounding Stockman's rocket, they hovered in the air,
receiving their new programming. They changed course and
dove right into the starting destination (?)! The attack
on Cheyenne Mountain, Wyoming was all but over at that
point. NORAD was completely shaken by their own
armaments. Stockman's rocket began spinning towards its
It drilled right through the surface of the mountain
like a, well, drill. It penetrated the inner core and
stopped. From there, it sent out several smaller drills
that broke back out through the surface. Small metal
panels broke out and covered the holes created by initial
entry and the new drills. The bits fell away to reveal
several small booster rockets. When in position, they all
turned simultaneously towards the ground. The rockets
ignited, and, with some initial stress, tore Cheyenne
Mountain, Wyoming... NORAD itself, right from the ground!
Inexorably, but probablisticly, Baxter's makeshift
fortress rose up into the sky. Once that barrier was
blasted through, it was just a short jaunt back up into
space. Baxter's creation had planned it all out
perfectly, even down to the precise timing of the re-entry
windows, the maximum allowable time to take NORAD, and the
entry window back up into geostationary orbit. With such
a powerful brain on his side, in addition to his own, and
the creations of Dr. Wily that he stole and all the
remaining armaments and people to use as slave labor
within the mountain he had just captured, there was
absolutely no doubt that soon he would change everything
for the better! SHLUCK!
Baxter wrung his hands at the progress of his work.
The gamma rays were accelerating his genetic creation
well. Under its control, computer and robotic systems
were proceeding quite well. Scurrying over the surface of
NORAD, the tiny machines were chipping away at it. While
at the same time, other groups of machines were replacing
the rock with metal, gradually smoothing out the entire
contour into a sphere. The craft hung there menacingly in
the silence above the Earth. Soon, all would be ready,
and a baptism of fire could begin! It made Baxter feel so
good, that he just had enter into a tirade about his
upcoming victory. However, the best that either he or the
author could come up with was to rip off lines from the
"Be Prepared" song in Disney's "The Lion King."
Despite Kate's eventual denial,
still, it's simply why I'll
be king UNDISPUTED,
AND SEEN FOR THE WONDER I AM!
And soon with mighty weapons a'beared!
Well, there's the Disney attorneys knocking at my
door! Hold on while I kill them. SHLUCK!
"Good evening! This is Bree Ricarda of CCN News.
Give us a minute, and we'll kill you with it! Chump Cable
Network owner, Kate Peltzer, mysteriously disappeared
earlier this hour while giving an interview on the recent
strange goings on there. To compound this, reporters
there claim to have seen a strange flying object in the
area. Coming up in our next minute report at the top of
tomorrow: breathing causes continued life, but first,
'Capitol Critters!'" SHLUCK!
Now, Kate was DEFINITELY confused. The recent
rapidity of events were beginning to take their toll: the
sudden return of her husband, the fact that it wasn't
really him but an android made in his image, her most
recent employee stealing half of the building, Dr. Wright
still had the bionic commando armor, the completely
unexpected love tryst with the Penthouse Pets, suddenly
being forced to give her new interview in the nude, the
beam of light, and now back in the lab. Thankfully, Dr.
Wright had been kind enough to cover her naked form with a
cover. But still, that did not stop him from lifting it
up at her feet to get a good look. Kate darted up, and
pulled the covering back down over her feet. "Hey,
pervert! If you want a free show, gawk at your lab
assistant, Biannca. That's the only reason why you
hired-" She stared into Dr. Wright's face, accusingly,
only to see that it wasn't Dr. Wright's face at all. She
was staring face to face with... THE OLD, CHINESE MAN!
Kate jumped up off the table in fright, the cover now
completely falling away. ( was slightly taken aback by
her reaction. "Oh. I'm sorry. I forgot that this form
might displease you after all you've suffered at the
machinations by his hands." Before Kate's rapidly
dissolving resolve, ( melted away and resumed the form
that Kate had last known him as: Phyllis Diller. Dr.
Wright casually stepped into the room. "Ah, Mrs. Peltzer.
I see that you've recovered from the temporary spatial
distortion." Kate rand, er, ran up behind Dr. Wright and
used him as shield; he rather enjoyed the feeling of her
pointies digging into his back. "IT'S HIM! THAT... THING
THAT HAD ASSUMED THE FORM OF BILLY! IT'S BACK! HE'LL-"
That's when Kate began to get back some semblance of the
intelligence that she had never had in the first place.
"Waitaminute... Phyllis Diller?" She squinted at the form
of the decrepit actress that had materialized before her.
"Ogg? Is that you?" "Correct." SHLUCK!
"And your other old friend, Ohm, is here to," Dr.
Wright said, waving a hand in the direction of Jackie
Mason, a.k.a. Ohm, as he stepped into the room. Kate
massaged her temples. "This- this is all too much. One
minute I was giving my speech... and then they-" She
waved her hand towards the extraterrestrial bounty
hunters. "How did all of this-" Dr. Wright answered her
by interrupting. "I figured we could use a little help in
getting to Professor Stockman since he so conveniently
took our only form of leaving Earth's atmosphere. It'd
take too long to build one in time to get to Stockman, and
it's like pulling teeth in Hell, whatever that may mean,
to get one appropriated from NASA. And even if we could,
the next launch window might be too late! So, I sent out
an electrical, extraterrestrial call for help. Luckily,
your old comrades in arms here from Abfahrt, were the
first to answer the call." Kate was somewhat suspicious,
especially, considering her current state of dress. "In
exchange for what? After all, they're bounty hunters.
They'll expect some sort of pay!" "Ummm," Dr. Wright
turned back at the glaring Ohm and Ogg. "They'll discuss
it with you later..." SHLUCK!
"Anyway, they'll take you to Stockman's station in
geostationary orbit. They were the ones who zapped you
during your speech. They teleported you up to their
craft, probably had their way with you, and then beamed
themselves and you back here to my lab as per my request."
"STATION?!" was the only word that had stuck in Kate's
memory, despite the use of the phrase, "probably had their
way with you." Oh, well. We can guess that judging by
her lecherous past, she would have enjoyed it if it did
happen. We can't be sure. "We tracked down what
Stockman's been up to. He snatched NORAD, and has been
rebuilding it into a titanic platform orbiting Earth.
Why? Well, he's evil... we can easily guess..." Kate was
almost back to full operating status when these final
blows hit her. "I don't understand... what am I supposed
to do?" "Simple," Wright responded. "Don on the modified
armor that I've made for you, let our bounty seeking alien
friends here take you to Stockman's ship floating in
geostationary orbit above the planet, and kick some butt!"
Kate stumbled into the center of the room, conveniently
illuminated by a single, soliloquy inducing spotlight.
"What would my beloved Billy do in this situation? After
all, he's the hero- he WAS the hero- of this series..."
Of course, as one would expect her to have done in such a
situation, she suddenly burst out into song, this time
ripped off from "Final Fantasy III," a game parody within
a game parody! SHLUCK!
"Oh, my hero,
so far away now!
Will I ever see your smile?
Love goes away,
like night into day.
It's just a fading dream...
I'm the darkness,
you're the stars!
Our love is brighter than the sun!
for me there can be,
only you, my chosen one...
Must I forget you?
Our solemn promise?
Will autumn take the place of spring?
What shall I do?
I'm lost without you.
Speak to me once more!"
Kate looked up, and in answer to her question, Billy
mysteriously appeared before her out of thin air! SHLUCK!
Draco, er, Billy held out an ethereal hand to her.
"Come, Kate! Follow my lead..." She took her husband's
gesture in her hers and he pulled her towards him. They
danced about the room, now only conveniently lit by a
spotlight upon the pair. She looked up into his eyes.
"Should I go?" He cradled her cheeks in his palms. "Yes.
You must. Or everything that's lead up to this will have
mattered naught." KATE WAS STUNNED! "Everything? What
do you mean?" Billy threw Kate out of his grasp! "Ha,
ha, ha!" With that he slugged her one for old time's
sake, then disappeared back to wherever he had come from.
Kate, though stunned and even a little bit morose about
losing her lover again, returned to her singing.
"We must part now.
My life goes on.
But my heart won't give you up!
Ere I walk away,
let me hear you say.
I meant as much to you...
you touched my heart.
I will be forever yours.
Come what may,
I won't age a day,
I'll wait for you, alway, er, always..."
Kate hugged her great big breasts against her rib
cage. She was crying. Dr. Wright cautiously approached
her. "Um, are you all right, Mrs. Peltzer? One minute
you were singing, the next you were dancing with some
invisible partner, and then you were singing again! Is
there anything I can do to help, like chop off an arm or
something?" Kate looked up from her tear stained
cleavage. She smiled. "I know what I must do... suit us
up for space..." Dr. Wright scratched his forehead. "Us?
Oh, well. In order to prep you for interstellar travel, I
must first... knock you out!" That having been said, Dr.
Wright, with an appropriate scream, cyclone spin kicked
Kate a sharp one into the side of her face, leaving an
imprint of his Buster Browns. Kate's eyes lolled back
again, and she fell into that wonderfully warm black area
that women say is what orgasms do on their day off. I'm
wondering about that one myself... SHLUCK!
The world seemed to be having a terrible time coming
to terms with her. There were intermittent sounds, but
none of them seemed to make sense. And, reality had
apparently become a neo-impressionist in its blue period.
She tried to sit up, but since the world itself wasn't
cooperating, she didn't feel like doing so either and fell
right back down. Ogg was staring down at her. "Look.
She's so peacefully, so sweet. God, I want her!" Before
Ogg could paw what appears to be the only hope that our
rapidly dissolving universe has left, Ohm contained him.
"Restrain yourself. Remember, we are bounty hunters first
and foremost. As aliens, it is also our duty to uphold
our intellectual superiority by lording the fact over them
that we have conquered our baser, hedonistic instincts."
Ogg looked at his partner, first with lust and then with
amazement. "Where the hell did you learn that bilge
water?" "On our last assignment. From that political
radical on the planet Mintonious." SHLUCK!
Kate, barely managing to overhear her imminent use as
a sex object yet again, tried to sit up once more. Of
course, she failed again, to sit up though, not to be used
as a sex object as evidenced by what happened next.
Seeing her imminent fall, Ogg rushed to her side and ran
his hands to her breasts, supporting her from her fall.
Being the pro-feminist that she isn't, she had no idea
that what was going on was wrong until the plot needed it,
at which point she promptly stood up to voice her rights
as a member of the weaker sex. "Look here. You may be
aliens, but that duuuuuuuuuu..." The world wasn't
cooperating with her again. SHLUCK!
She set her ample deneumont back in the casket that
she had risen from... casket...? "Don't try to move.
Just let me do the work," Ohm spoke up, holding his
partner back. "You've been in cryogenic suspension. We,
being the superior aliens that at least ONE of us is, my
partner and I had to put you into suspended animation so
that you would survive your journey into the stars. Dr.
Wright applied..." he paused, searching for the right
word. "-an anesthetic to put you out. We then sealed you
away in this cryo-chamber. Your being nude was something,
unfortunately, entirely on my partner's part. But, before
I completely digress on unrelated, comedic tangents, there
is a matter of more pressing concern. As I tried to
relate earlier in my utterance, we are superior aliens.
As such, we've become accustomed, through the use of
cybernetic implants and long-term exposure to the process,
of differentiated space travel. We travel by a means that
would turn the minds of your scientists such as your
friend, Dr. Wright-" "He is not my friend," Kate
interjected, reminding the reader that she was still
"Anyway, to learn the mechanics of our process would
turn the minds of your scientists into Spam, a form of
excrement made by the Googl'blat race." Kate vowed, at
that moment, not to eat anything from a tin with its own
key again at that remark. "We feed the coordinates of
where we want to be into our computer. Through chronal
vector plotting devices, our computer determines the exact
Z coordinate, the time vector, of WHEN we want to be and
extrapolates the X and Y from Z. Follow me thus far?"
"Just one thing," Kate just-one-thinged. "For aliens, you
two speak remarkably well English!" Ohm continued.
"Thank you. It makes for a convenient plot device.
Anyway, we travel where we want to be going to by going
through time to the point in time where we would arrive at
that point in space, thus eliminating having to travel
there at any speeds. We move near instantaneously, taking
relatively little time or distance to do it in.
Unfortunately, for a frail human form to survive the
journey, we would have to put it into cryogenic
suspension. This is why you're feeling so disoriented.
You systems have slowed down, and are not responding as
well as they normally would. Your senses will return to
normal in due time." There was something he was holding
back, which serves as a great way to end a paragraph,
don't you think? SHLUCK!
"Go ahead. Try out your senses. They might have
returned to normal by now." Like a cat, Kate stuck her
nose into the air, which made her tits stick even further
out and her shapely ass back; Ogg did not miss these
facts, and even took a photo. Apparently, her senses
weren't quite back to normal yet. The ship smelled of
refurbished eggs. Don't ask me 1.) what a refurbished egg
is or 2.) if we knew what it was, what a refurbished egg
would smell like. Despite the questionable origins and
odor of refurbished eggs, that was what the craft smelled
like to Kate, so shut the hell up and let's get on with
it! "Um, they're not quite up to even sub-par yet." "Oh,
well. It doesn't really matter. You'll soon be in too
much excruciating pain to even notice." "If you were
trying to pique my interests, you succeeded... WHAT
PAIN?!" "Well, we've passed through time, but we didn't
travel forward through time since the future doesn't exist
yet until we make it. Our implants help accommodate for
this, but you have no such systems. While the cryogenic
suspension enabled you to survive the trek, your body will
soon catch up to the time displacement... in an equally
quick manner relative to the journey that you've just
taken." At that cue, Kate suddenly felt a little queer.
However, since there no nude Penthouse Pets for her to
make mad lesbian love to in this story, at least to her
knowledge, she just went through a startling, accelerated
Her stomach suddenly shot straight out as the
developing fetuses inside caught up with her time
acceleration. Her breasts swelled up with her advancing
pregnancy. She suddenly became ill and threw up on the
floor. Immediately there after, she asked Ohm, "Got any
boysenberry and tuna fish burritoes on this crate of
yours?" She turned to Ogg. "And, just what are you
ogling at! So what if my boobs are bigger? It's what
happens when you blow up like a blimp during pregnancy!"
She suddenly started to cry and put her head in her hands.
"I know why he was staring me! It's because I'm so fat!"
She started to sob. "Don't you think I'm aware of the
fact that I look like a battleship?! Oh, my swollen
ankles!" She suddenly scooted over to Ogg's lap, resting
her ass on what would have to have passed for his genital
area. "Hey, big boy!" she greeted him, rubbing her
swollen breasts against him, trails of lactated milk left
behind. "Like my swollen bazooms?" Kate ended her series
of bizarre mood swings by suddenly clutching her gut and
screaming out in sheer pain. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'VE
KNOWN THIS PAIN BEFORE! OH, NO! NOT AGAIIIIIIIIIIIII-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kate rolled
back into her casket, put her feet down upon the floor
with her knees up and legs slightly spread and pushed
forward, screeching all the way. Ogg worked his way
between her legs with a catcher's mit, ready to snatch the
deposits as they come out. SHLUCK!
"How is she?" Dr. Wright's concerned face was asking
from the craft's view screen. Ohm tapped a finger on his
control panel. "Well, I had to tranquilize Ogg to keep
him from destroying her with his suddenly rising lusts; I
may have to castrate him before this mission is over. I
really hate to do that to him. I mean, it's so hard to
clean up the mess, and it only leads to me having to do it
again! On Mintonious, I had to castrate him 112 times to
get our mission to come out anywhere near successful."
Dr. Wright was completely silent for a long time before
continuing. "Um, well. How about the children?" "The
offspring do not show any ill effects of being born in
space, or their mother's sudden time distortion." "What
are they?" "Babies." "I KNOW THAT! I meant what sex?!"
"They're both males. I've placed them in special
compression chambers to protect them from becoming
accustomed to the vacuum of space so that they'll suffer
no ill effects upon being returned to the Earth. I've
also placed the craft into a perigerial orbit around the
target. When we're sure they're stabilized and that Kate
is well enough to go down there, we'll send her. The
Medinanites are healing her as we speak. I predict about
11 hours and we'll be down there in that hell." SHLUCK!
And, on that note, let's go down into that hell and
have another visit with its chief denizen. Baxter turned
from his view screen. He waltzed over to his creation.
It had grown rather large under its recent batch of
cathode irradiation. It was rapidly filling the tank, and
another new one would have to be brought in. It was
gradually assuming the shape of a brain. In fact, in
several islets of the tissues, wrinkled gullies
reminiscent of brain matter were developing all along the
outer membrane of the creature. With a grimace of
triumph, triumph assured within his creation, he turned to
face the alien craft on the view screen. "You shan't win,
Dr. Wright! The human race must be purified of itself.
If it keeps allowing itself to be led by the leash of its
own desires, it will continue to propagate itself! THE
MADNESS MUST BE REINED IN..." Suddenly, Baxter's head
jerked back, and he screamed with pain. He put his hands
to his head to try and keep the boiling pressures
contained. He fell to his knees. "What... what are you
doing to me... who... I don't... BUT, I MUST... AND I
WILL... WHO ARE YOU?! GET OUT OF MY..." And, just as
assuredly as his attack, which wasn't the first one that
he had since he came across Dr. Wily's notes, had come on,
it left him. He simply rose to his feet, and walked from
the control room and into an adjoining lab. SHLUCK!
"Right. Keep me informed," Dr. Wright added before
cutting communications lest Baxter should catch on to
them. Dr. Wright turned away from the view screen. He
was deeply lost in his thoughts. "No ill effects? I
wonder... will one or both of them eventually show signs
of... their father?! I mean, at least one of them was
human to start off with. Then, Baxter's liquid robot
fucked all that up... literally. It was safe enough to
assume that at least one of the fetuses wasn't going to be
completely human. After all, she was already impregnated
when the faux Billy Peltzer had intercourse with her.
But, could its synthesized genetic materials interface
with her previously existing zygote? Too many questions
and unknown variables." Baxter's computers, as well as
his labs, at Chump Towers had been thoroughly purged.
There wasn't much left to recompile, but that was enough
to give Dr. Wright cause to worry. He should never have
let her go up there with the bounty hunters. But, that's
what Billy had told him to do...
Intrigued? I thought you be! After all, I wrote it that
way. Oh! I've broken :Rewritten ettiquite, haven't I?
Well, never let it be said that I would ever harbor the
thought of doing such! "This is the end of 'Metroid:
Rewritten II \ Answer.'" The mystery will continue to
unravel next time when Ohm, Ogg, Charcutous, and Kate,
minus Charcutous, raid Baxter's platform in geostationary
orbit next time in "Metroid: Rewritten III \ A Raid on
"Metroid: Rewritten II \ Answer" @1996 by David Minter.
Based on the video games "Metroid" @1984, "Metroid II:
Return of Samus" @1991, and "Super Metroid" @1994 by
Nintendo of America, Incorporated, the concept of the Book
and Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and material
from the collected storylines of "Gremlins: Rewritten,"
"Critters: Rewritten," "Gremlins 2: Rewritten," "Night of
the Living Dead: Rewritten," "Bionic Commando: Rewritten,"
"Star Wars: Rewritten," and "Return of the Living Dead:
Rewritten," "The Terminator: Rewritten" and "Metroid:
Rewritten \ A Call for Help" all written by David Minter
@1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, and 1996.
"Metroid" and all prominent characters @1986, 1991, and
1994 by Nintendo of America, Incorporated.
Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney.
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
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