Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup by: David Minter
Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup
Written 11-9-92 by: David Minter
This is the story of Critters: Rewritten \
The Setup. You couldn't read along with me in your book
because there isn't one. Well, actually there is one, but
it is written in san scrip and I doubt if you could
understand it. Unless, of course, you happen to have a
copy of the Rosetta Stone handy...
Hi. This is the writer speaking. I'm sorry if this might
get a bit pretentious, but there wasn't a Book and Record
set of Critters made. The industry had died by that time.
So, I decided to make one anyway and just damn you all!
...and several butchers aprons. When you
heard the sound of the spaceship blasting off into
hyper-space at a speed beyond human comprehension,
VAWOOMSH!, you would know it was time to turn the page.
Remember, when you heard the sound of the spaceship
blasting off into hyper-space at a speed beyond human
comprehension, turn the page. VAWOOMSH!
It was shortly after January time and Rand Peltzer
needed some therapy. He and his family ( mostly Billy
anyway ) had just been through a terrifying ordeal.
Terrifying ordeals ran in the Peltzer family, but this one
was the worst yet! The entire town was placed in Final
Jeopardy by Rand I. He had brought a Mogwai into Kingston
Falls and that was when the whole mess started! The
Mogwai and Rand died, but their sacrifice, if you could it
that because they really didn't want to die, created six
new Mogwai, five Gremlins, a new Rand, and the loss of the
Kingston Falls police force. It was only through sheer
luck and incredible idiocy that saved this pathetic town
and the rest of the pathetic world from a pathetic fate.
Pathetic as though it may be, the Peltzers survived.
Even that damn Mogwai lived through it all. His owner, the
old, Chinese man, (, came and reclaimed the creature that
he didn't really want to take ( and rightfully so! ).
After the old, Chinese man had disappeared out of sight (
but not out of sound ) of the Peltzer residence, ( went
down to Dory's Pub where Billy's girlfriend, Kate, worked.
What with Dory's being the only respectable place in
Kingston Falls to get smashed in ( It had its own detox
tank. ), it had been rapidly and haphazardly rebuilt,
against the concerns and threats of fines from the
building inspectors. For one thing, the electricity had
not been turned back on, and the ceiling fan wasn't there
to circulate what little fresh oxygen invaded the cigar
smoke that permeated the air. But, ( had no concern over
that, nor did he have concern over the fact that his eyes
were now watering from the smoke and that he had walked
through a blanket of freshly fallen popcorn to get to the
establishment. He had only one reason to be here. Many
people didn't come to Dory's unless they had a reason, and
that reason was to drown their sorrows. VAWOOMSH!
Nearly two hours later, ( was totally and irrevocably
drunk. He staggered around the bar, doing impressions of
Frank Sinatra if he had a detachable head. Several patrons
were annoyed by this foul-mouthed, slightly odd Chinaman
and had either left the pub or left daggers buried in his
back. It made no difference to (. He partied on despite
it. He plopped down next to the only person left in the
bar, sitting over in the far corner trying to carve his
initials into the glass case of the juke box. "Ya know
shomethink?" began a slightly inebriated (. "I has a
great storee to tells yo. I'b think'b I'b know'b who'b
brought deestrukshon to year town." The man's slightly
meager attention was shifted slightly from the juke box.
He shifted past the foul aromas coming from the Chinaman's
mouth and listened closely. VAWOOMSH!
"Those stranj green mosnters that bin roamming around
yor town were Gremlits, er, -lins. Gremlins. They were
brought into this town by Rand Peltzer." "Which Rand
Peltzer?" the man questioned. "Rand I." "Oh. That
crazed out inventor! I would have known it was all his
fault!" He buried the knife he was using to carve his
initials in the juke box into the back of his hand. "Well,
Rand is only partly to flame, er blam er blame. Most of
the responsibility lies in Billy! You shee, he burned up
one of these little guys." ( opened the box that he had
roughly placed the Mogwai into in the last story. Upon
seeing the rough looking man staring back at him, Groucho
cried, cowered, and prayed that he would live to see
another day. ( closed the box, stared blankly at the bar
patron, and passed out. The rough, hairy man slid past (
and over to the pay phone next to the pay T.V. in the pay
toilet. He made a call. Despite his tough appearance, he
was the Kingston Falls reporter for the National Inquirer.
It has been said by many, especially by that man in
the bar, that people who live in glass juke boxes
shouldn't carve their initials in it with either a stone
or a knife. Well, that's exactly what Lou Betcha didn't
do when he phoned in his story, and neither did Kate when
she called up Billy to inform him what was happening. She
had an annoying habit of picking up the other extension
and listening in on conversations on the pay phone. That
was how she helped the Kingston Falls's police complete
their only bust in their entire history. She had snuck in
on a conversation with an Italian midget slave trader. So,
when the story broke the next day, the Peltzers were
slightly ready. VAWOOMSH!
The National Inquirer, as it always did with such
stories, got the story wrong. Even though they specially
stopped the presses on the Larry Hagman alter-ego cover
story, they were later successfully sued anyway. First
off, when they got the story from Lou, they mistakenly
mistook Mowgli for Mogwai. So, when the page hit the
stands the next day, its cover read "Rudyard Kipling
Returns from Dead! Engages in Secret Love Tryst with
Jungle Boy!" They had a nasty inkling to make up some of
their material. Secondly, they failed to show up in court
on the appointed day, and the estate of Rudyard Kipling
was awarded 3.5 million dollars. VAWOOMSH!
But, what does that have to do with our current
story, some of you aren't asking? Where is all this
leading to? Where are the Gremlins? Where are those
naked Penthouse models and when do we get to them so I
don't have sit through the boring parts and can come back
just in time for the good stuff? Well, here we go. First
off, no Gremlins this time around. THIS IS CRITTERS
REWRITTEN, IDIOT! Read the title. Second, all this is
leading up to madness. After a reluctant insurance
company paid a second insurance check to Mrs. Peltzer,
they used the money to repair their home sweet hole. They
used the extra money to fortify their dwelling. They had
a moat installed, complete with crocodiles, sharks, and
fair maiden. Second, all the wood was replaced with solid
stone. Third, a drawbridge was installed. Finally, Rand,
with his own blood, sweat, and pears, built high towers to
house the spearsmen. In other words, the Peltzer house,
which had just a few days ago been decorated way too early
but festively for Christmas, had been turned into a
castle. It didn't help when the National Inquirer
released the issue, nor when the angry townspeople took up
arms and stormed the Peltzer castle. VAWOOSH!
Like right out of a Frankenstein movie ( i.e.
carrying pitch-forks, torches, etc. ), the townsfolk
gathered around Peltzer Castle. It seemed that everybody
had bought, read, or stolen a copy. They were mad to say
the least, but furious is more like it. Many shouted
curses and racial slurs. Several wanted a lynching, and
many others were trying to uproot a tree to use as a
battering ram. A few tried to get up a game of strip
Twister going, but they were silenced with a few well
placed knife slashes. They were demanding one simple
thing... that the Peltzers get out of town! Mister
Futterman waived his torch high above his head, greatly
increasing the chances of setting his hair on fire, and
shouted, "Who's gonna pay for my Factoid, eh?!" Dick
Miller, after hearing what happened to his Factoid from
his cousin, Juan Valdez, returned to throw in his two
cents. Some residual radiation from the destruction of
the movie theater had brought the corpse of that woman
that the Gremlins ripped open back to life, and she
decided to join in the fun. Things were looking bleak
( and they were ) for the Peltzers. VAWOOMSH!
Billy tried to explain that it was the Mogwai's
fault, but they wouldn't listen. They said that they had
already found the jungle boy, freed him from a Canadian
concentration camp, and allowed him to join in their
march. Fearing the worst, Billy grabbed Rand and used him
as a shield when the objects started flying. They did.
Rocks and eggs were the first to go. Rand lovingly
accepted them all. He had grown to like things being
hurled at him, especially after the reception that he had
received at the inventors' convention in Chinatown. The
fools just couldn't see the wondrous boon to mankind in
his Peltzer Seltzer, water that puts itself out if it
catches on fire. He could even handle the bricks,
although somewhat belatedly, when the people started with
those. What Rand couldn't handle was when they started
throwing large, wooden sticks. VAWOOMSH!
One that was in a perfect line for Rand's temple
suddenly, like the rest of reality at that moment, went in
slow motion. As it inexorably approached Rand, his
features expanded in slow motion as he shouted, in slow
motion, "N-O-Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow!" Slowly, it struck
Rand across the face! "A-R-H-Rh-Rh-Rh-Rh-Rh-Rh-Rh-Rh!"
Peltzer shouted in slow motion. Rand fell to the ground
in slow motion. Rand I's ghost appeared and snickered at
his poor replacement. Time sped up to normal as Rand
struck the cold, cobblestone floor of his castle. RAND
WAS STUNNED! "Mom! Dad's stunned!" Billy said, somewhat
purposelessly. "NOT NOW!" she carped. "I'm trying to
deal with the crowd. Talking sanely had not worked, so
she tried insanely. When that didn't work, she tried
hypnotism. Apparently, only Groucho had the mental power
enough to control the populace of Kingston Falls.
"You useless fool!" Billy shouted and gave his
mother a jocular punch in the mouth. Grabbing her
unconscious body, Billy hurled his mother at the crowd of
assembled people. They didn't want her, so they threw her
back. When a hot, flaming torch came a'flying over their
battle abutment, he knew that it was time to split, man!
By the time the mob had fashioned a favorable battering
ram from Billy's car, he had already reached the launch
controls, and sent the top most tower, the one that they
were in, into a low altitude earth orbit. VAWOOMSH!
Hey! That wasn't a sign to turn the page! That was
the sound effect the producers chose for the Peltzers'
rocket! Anyway, the remaining members of the mob,
including Mowgli, that had survived such a concentrated
blast of rocket thrust/propulsion were jubilant about the
Peltzers leaving! They hastily assembled at Dory's for a
celebration. They had beer, beer nuts, and popcorn.
Unfortunately, they harvested some of the popcorn outside
and most died of ptomaine poisoning. VAWOOSH!
Okay, idiot! Now it's time to turn the page! Jeeze!
The Peltzers finally landed, after spending about
three days in orbit. Well, actually they crashed. One of
the Peltzers' spearmen guards who had survived the blast
had mistaken the rocket for an old Norse god and hurled
his spear at it in reverence. The spear luckily struck
the fuel line and the Peltzers leaked all the time they
were in space ( They had their own beer on board. ). The
rocket "landed" into a a disused chicken shed of a farm
owned by a man named Charlie. Charlie had had a rough
life, even rougher than Rand I's. It all began way back
with his great grandfather. An old, Chinese man had
stolen his idea for an electric light, shot him, and then
had the idea for the light bulb stolen from him by an
Well, Charlie's troubles didn't end there! Most of
the time spent until the present was spent in saving up
enough money to buy the farm that Charlie owned. Charlie's
parents had saved for decades at thirty-five cents a day (
made from pan handling ) the money to give their son a
chance at a future. Well, the market went bad, the cows
died, the pornography scandal broke out, and Adam West
moved in next door. It had done well for a while. Many
flocked over to see, as it was billed, "The Poorest Excuse
for an Actor in Hollywood! The Least 'Jobbed' Man in
Acting!" Even more people came to see, as it was billed,
"The Farm Next Door to the Poorest Excuse for an Actor in
Hollywood!" But then, the Adam West porno's came out, and
gone are the visitors. Charlie barely stayed alive from
raising chickens, but now the Peltzers had destroyed his
only chance for survival. VAWOOMSH!
Needless to say, Charlie was slightly angry. But, it
didn't do any good. With the Peltzers thinking that they
were not wanted in Kingston Falls any longer and not
knowing of the fate that befall a majority of its
residents, they decided to make Charlie's farm their new
home. It would perfect. Far away from hounding
individuals, fearsome monsters, and old, Chinese men. It
was also far away from the memories of their former lives,
and made a great place to safely test Rand's inventions.
It had a steady supply of animals, albeit only chicken
bodies, or at least, could have, for tests and was safe
from prying eyes and kidneys. It was perfect, except for
the fact that Charlie wasn't quite ready for their plan.
Rand called one ( and one of his only ), friends that
he had met at the convention. He had learned from his new
friend that he was one of Rand I's old drinking buddies.
He was drunk and spouting off about good luck trolls when
Rand had met him. What was fortuitous about this
haphazard friendship in this situation was that this man
was a lawyer, and Charlie was a tobacco-chewing,
corn-husking, country hick idiot. Using his savvy, the
lawyer capitalized on Charlie's financial distress and the
Peltzers gained ( more like wrested ) control of the farm
from Charlie. To sweeten the deal, the Peltzers' lawyer
friend convinced the judge to throw in Charlie as part of
the property and made him the Peltzers' legal slave.
Far out ( ,man! Ahem! ) in the deep, dark, dank
reaches of outer space, at least 100 miles, if not more,
away from the Earth, lies a distant galaxy as yet
undiscovered by humans. In this strange solar system lies
the planet Hypoximethylo Centrinog Beta Dual VII. ( Why
is it that the name of any alien planet, especially on
Star Trek, both old and new, ends in seven, anyway? ) Its
inhabitants call it HCBDVII ( pronounced "Abfahrt" ) for
short. HCBDVII is a prison planet. In its main detention
center, lie the most dangerous beings in the universe.
Past the cells near the end of its long corridors, past
the cell containing Davros, past the cell containing a
small, pink cube, past the empty cell, past the cell
containing the alien political masterplanner, Rhichrd
N'yksin, past the cell containing the naked Penthouse pets
( You were wondering when we'd get to them, weren't you?
Admit it! ADMIT IT! ), and past the cell containing
Elvis, lies a cell. In that cell, lie a group of small
creatures, results of genetic experiments on failures of
other genetic experiments. They are the single most
dangerous living beings known. VAWOOMSH!
They are Criterious Nomenclatareaus, as known by
scientists. Crites for short, as they known by rich kids
with nothing else to do. Or Krites, by a few alien
hippies singing for galactic violence in this age of
peace. And, by everybody else, they are known as
Critters. Everybody else, until the point they escaped,
were encyclopedia and dictionary writers. After their
escape, everyone was expanded to include the people of a
small, blue-green planet, third from a medium-sized sun,
in a medium-sized solar system, in a great big pain of a
galaxy. Its inhabitants called their world, as they later
learned from the bounty hunters sent to stop the Critters
and Charlie, who returned because he had nothing else to
do as well, Earth. Earth was later placed on the list of
planets termed the "white zone," for loading and unloading
of cargo ships only. VAWOOMSH!
The Critters had an elaborate plan to escape from
their cell, and, judging by the title of this story, it
worked! On this alien world, the Critters required
special tanks of helium gas to survive. No one knew why,
except the scientists, who of course kept their big traps
shut on the subject. The Critters, after receiving their
tank for the day, were ready to break out! One gave his
life so that his comrades could be free. He hurled
himself into the lock on their cell door, and, because
Critters have porcupinesque needles of their backs,
embedded himself in the lock. The remaining Critters
rushed over to him and placed the tank of helium in his
mouth. When they turned the lever, he began to expand and
burst, taking the lock with him. He had not really
intended to sacrifice his life, much like Rand I and Gizmo
had not been prepared to sacrifice theirs either. He just
wanted to see if the trick, the trick being embedding
himself in the wall by his quills, would work. It did.
They were free! Now all they had to do was
successfully navigate a series of corridors in a building
that they knew nothing about on a world light minutes away
from their own. They walked about three meters before
coming upon the sign that said, "You are here." and had a
big red dot beneath it. They were looking for the
station's garbage scow to use as their means of escape.
Elsewhere on the sign, it said, "The Garbage Scow that You
Are Looking for Is Here." with a big splotch of dirt
beneath it. Ah, ha! Ha! Ha! Ah! Ah! Ah-Choo! They
had found it! Unfortunately, the station's security force
had found them. The first poor individual to find them
was the last before they made their escape. He managed to
bring up his blaster and disintegrate one Critter, before
another, seeing the predicament that they were in, hurled
himself, spikes first, into the guard's crotch! As the
guard screamed in pain, which normally should have brought
other guards, but you know how police are, no matter where
in the galaxy you are, he dreamed of dancing rice cakes
before he died by becoming an in between conquering snack
for the Critters. Yes, they feasted on flesh. So, they
ate bits of the guard before departing. VAWOOMSH!
After finding where the ship was, it was relatively
easy to get it, secure it, and escape in it. The door was
easy to trip and the controls were easier to hot wire.
What wasn't so easy was working the controls, because they
weren't there. The designer of those kinds of controls
was a slightly mad, but generally inane, inventor, like
Rand and Rand I before him. He thought that the best way
to prevent someone from stealing a ship after the controls
had been hot wired was to make the controls disappear.
Upon detecting that it has been hot wired, the computer
activates that trash incinerator and directs its beam on
the ship's controls. The problem with the device was that
when one tried to repair their controls in space, they
generally remained drifting in space forever. The police
in all sectors of space still use these props because they
don't know any better. But, the Critters, having foreseen
( unlike the police ) what would happen, they had ample
time to set the controls in some kind of direction before
they were gone. VAWOOMSH!
The warden of HCBDVII was aware of this, or at least
he thought he was pretty sure. When the ship began to
assume some sort of general direction, he was definitely
sure that he was pretty sure. He ordered the plasma
turrets aimed at the garbage ship. Its beam struck right
through the hyper-drive, the device that makes the funny
sound that tells you turn the page. The warden thought he
had won, as police often do. What he had not known was
that the Critters had managed to bring the ship to
star-drive power, the hyper-drive's back-up. The ship
sped on its way. But the Critters, even though they had
escaped, could not control their craft. As any learned
man knows, or at least should know ( Well, you know now,
anyhow! ), that once a craft starts to drift in space, a
vacuum, it will continue to drift until struck upon by a
large object. Newton's laws. That is exactly what
happened when the star-drive drive ran out of fuel. The
large object in question was the Earth. VAWOOMSH!
To be specific, the object in question was the curio
shop that ( owned in Chinatown. (, still more than half
inebriated, was lying, face down on a table. Actually,
half of him was. Actually, one-third of him was. His
body was sitting down in a chair. His chest had fallen
forward and was resting on the table top that his body was
sitting in front of. His head was lying in the middle of
the bed, staring angrily at the National Inquirer that his
body had laid out in front of his face. "Look at this,
damn it!" he shouted, turning his attention away from the
"newspaper" to stare at the Mogwai that his body's hands
were holding tightly in a grip of death that Groucho was
trying desperately to escape from. "Oh, weel. I guesh I
could she the brite syde o' thin's. It might bring in
some new customs." He sat there, trying to make out if
the rapidly increasing pitch of a noise that seemed to
come out of nowhere was in fact coming out of somewhere or
not. By the time he had determined that it was real, he
had passed out again because the garbage ship had
jack-knifed into his roof! Inside the ship, they knew
they were finished. The garbage ash ( from the
incineration process ) ejection pod was too small for them
to fit in. But, the only possessions that they had been
able to keep hidden from the frisk search on HCBDVII would
fit! They placed them inside the pod and ejected it to
who-knows-where. This thought comforted them very little
as they died upon impact with the house. The force of the
crash sent ( into unconsciousness, forcing him, somewhat
arbitrarily, to let go of the Mogwai. The poor, confused
little creature shook the nails out of his head, and,
seeing his chance for freedom, scurried off in a sort of
away direction, going somewhere... but where? Where?
BLAM! er, I mean, VAWOOMSH!
The little trek that the garbage scow had taken
wasn't little when compared to our time scale. Charlie
had been a slave of the Peltzers and severely beaten
nightly for three years. In that time, Rand had started a
little mail order company for his inventions. His ads
were placed in the backs of several major failing comics,
like Alf and Air Raiders. Some of his ads he had managed
to, somehow, place in the backs of several comics from the
seventies. This confused, as well as angered, many
collectors, mainly because they couldn't understand why.
He accomplished it with one of the many inventions that he
had tried to peddle, but ultimately failed. VAWOOMSH!
Only one of his new inventions was a success ( before
it was pulled off of the market ), but that one earned the
Peltzers enough cash to remain financially stable, unlike
Charlie. It was a self-heating burrito. Taco Bell had
bought an exclusive contract for it. "Just think!" they
thought. "No more time and money spent on devices to cook
burritoes when they can cook themselves." It became a
great novelty item, until it was discovered that the
self-heating burrito continued to heat itself even while
inside of the human body! Most people just suffered
heartburn, a condition common to Mexican food, so it was
initially overlooked. But, some individuals died from the
fluids in their body boiling! Soon, more people began
dying from the self-heating burrito. Afterwards, the
Senate sub-committee determined that their wasn't enough
evidence to prosecute Rand. His lawyer/inventor friend
had convinced them that Rand was a victim in a frame-up.
He successfully convinced them that someone else had
concocted the idea because of the ads occurring in comic
books from the seventies. Rand suffered much because of
that. He became to be called the "One Hit Wonder of
Inventing." That really didn't bother him much, but when
he was named "The Adam West of Inventing," it was almost
more than Rand could take. Rand tried to market the
self-eating burrito after the fiasco, but it didn't work,
One night, shortly after Rand fell asleep from
pondering why his idea for a self-eating burrito failed
( He thought people would save a whole lot of time spent
eating burritoes if the burritoes just ate themselves. He
was also considering trying to convince people that all
food should self-eating and that the human race would not
have to waste so much time eating when the food could just
eat itself. ), a strange accident occurred. Something
else crashed into the newly rebuilt chicken coop. The
Peltzers didn't feed Charlie well ( As a matter of fact,
they didn't feed Charlie at all. ), so Charlie had to
raise chickens for food. In accordance, he had to rebuild
a home for them. That home was now destroyed, as well as
his chances for survival. After that, Charlie just
snapped! Seeing that he must be free or die of
starvation, he grabbed the chain around his ankle binding
him to an area of only seventeen feet away from the farm,
placed a length of it in his mouth, and bit through it. He
was free, but at the cost of a majority of his teeth.
Cackling like a madman, Charlie ran out into the night,
shouting "Free! FREE! I'm free! But, I am not ready-
for life outside of slavery!" None of the Peltzers heard
him or noticed him gone the next day, and neither did the
driver that hit Charlie when he mindlessly ran out onto
the highway. VAWOOMSH!
The next day, after Billy did his daily ritual of
getting up, ignoring to take a shower, shaving his
breakfast and eating his face, insulting Rand for the
failure of an inventor that he was ( but not quite the
rich bastard that Rand I was ), and greeting his mother in
the kitchen with a jocular punch in the mouth, he went out
to see what, if anything, was new. Even though he didn't
notice Charlie's disappearance, he noticed that something
had decided to play havoc and hopscotch with the chicken
coop. Billy began picking his way through the rubble.
Having just revived, Mrs. Peltzer stumbled outside for
some fresh air to clear her groggy mind. She snapped back
into reality and noticed a puzzled look on her son's face.
He often had looks of anger and evil on his face, but
never bewilderment. She walked over to Billy. "Have you
seen Charlie this morning, Billy?" Billy reached into a
charred pile of wood and pulled out two oval objects. He
turned around to face his mother and held up the two eggs.
"Mom," Billy began. "I think we've got trouble."
This is the end of Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup.
No Gremlins in sight. Lucky for the Peltzers. And, lucky
for us, we now have the sinister, new menace of the
Critters! What will they look like? Well, we already
know that, so the suspense is gone there. Hmmmm? What
could possibly entice you to read Critters: Rewritten II \
The Hatchlings? Ah, ha! Next time: Critters Eat Nude
Penthouse Models! That'll get ya' back! Hee! Hee! Hee!
Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup @1992 by
David Minter from the movie Critters @ 1986 New Line
Cinema and the concept of the Book and Record set @1984
Buena Vista Records.
Critters created by Chiodo Brothers Inc.
Critters @ 1986, 1988, 1991, 1992 by New Line Cinema.
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