How to Have Fun at Kmart!
by The Daredevil
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Well, first off, one must realise the importance of K-Marts in society today.
First off, K-Marts provide things cheaper to those who can't afford to shop at
higher quality stores. Although, all I ever see in there is minorities and
Senior Citizens, and the poor people in our city. Personally, I wouldn't be
caught dead in there. But, once, I did.
You see, once, after The Moon Roach and Havoc Chaos (Dear friends of mine) and
I were exploring such fun things as rooftops, we came along a K-Mart. Amused,
and cold for that matter, we wandered in. The Tension mounts.
As we walked up to the entrance, we were nearly attacked by Youth Groups
selling cheap cookies, and wheelchair sticken people selling American Flags.
After laughing at these people, we entered.
This is where the real fun begins...
First off, we wandered around the store, and turned on all the blue lights we
could find. That really distracts and confuses the attendents...Fun to do...
The first neat thing, is to go to the section of the store where they sell
computers. Darkness engulf the earth the day they find Apple Computers being
sold there. Instead, lesser computers like the laughable Vic-20 can be found
there...Turn it on, and make sure nobody's looking...Then, once in Basic,
]10 PRINT "Fuck the world! Anarchy Rules!"
(or something to that effect.)
]20 GOTO 10
and walk away.
Also, set the sample radios in the store to a santanic rock station, and turn
the radio off. Then, set the alarm for two minutes ahead of the time displayed
there. Turn the volume up all the way, and walk away. After about two
minutes, you will see the clerk feebly attempt to turn the radio down or off.
It's really neat to set ten or more radios to different stations, and walk
One of my favorite things to do, is to get onto the intercom system of the
store. Easier typed then done. First, check out the garden department. You
say there's no attendent there? Good. Sneak carefully over to the phone
behind the cheap counter there, and pick it up. Dial the number corrisponding
to the item that says 'PAGE'... And talk. You will note that your voice will
echo all over the bowels of K-Mart.
I would suggest announcing something on the lines of: "Captain Stubeing to the
Bridge, Captain Stubeing." or "Attention K-Mart Shoppers: Eat Shit and Die" or
any other cute phrase that your taxed mind can come up with.
Ah, but what if there is an attendant in the garden section... Probally an
illegal alien. Try sneaking into the back room. There's bound to be a phone
back there somewhere.
The thing is, try not to get kicked out of K-Mart, as the Moon Roach has had
happen to him before. I won't EVEN mention which famous BBS personallity was
nailed for shop-lifting from K-Mart. He/She'll kill me.
One other fun thing to do in K-Mart is to find the dressing room,
small and insufficient for normal means (about one cubic foot wide...) and
enter with as many people as you can find. Begin making several obscene
noises and grunts at quite a loud level. This should attract the attention
of several employees, and after a short period of time, will usually send
an unwitting attendant to see what the source of the problem is.
These attendants were not hired for their intellectual capacity,
and at least in my experiece, they have this habit of opening the wrong
door. This usually shocks the customers and embarrasses the employees.
After this exciting little jaunt, try re-arranging the coats and the
hats on the racks. See how long it takes for the low-bred customers to
notice the change. The average time is usually four to six weeks.
Another exciting activity is to find the back room and remove all the tags
and the recipts from the boxes therein. The seedy and yet obscene messages are
optional. This not only confuses the managers, but will usually leave the
people in charge in the store wondering if certain items such as a chair, are
not accually 'Mr. T Watersprinklers' as the label on the box implies.
Now, I would like to thank Teeny Bopper and Havoc The Chaos for bringing to
me a genuine "K-Mart Luncheon Menu"! Oh yea. My god, even their paper cups
have 'K-MART' on them. I'm supprised they don't say 'MC DONALDS' or something.
I've never seen recycled food before.
Well, I'm going to get back to the garden center and type about it for a
minute. The garden center can be great fun whether you're slashing the bags of fertizilier, graffiti-ing on the potted plants, or stealing those plastic flamingos by handing them out to friends through the gates, it's all the same now. Fun!
Getting on the roof of K-Mart is quite a hard task. I've yet to try it
myself though. I'd like E-Mail from the first 100 people who successfully get
on the roof of K-Mart, please?
Ah well, The Moon Roach & I are without ideas, so, without further adieu, we
will end this highly entertaining text-file...
He stands atop a lonely hillside, the cold biting at his skin as the chill
wind whips through his hair, setting it off in a menagerie of disarray. He
surveys the scene... the ominous structure ahead of him, forbidding and clammy
steel. With the battle cry of "Remember Split Infinity!" he bounds down the
hill, over dusk and rock until he stands before the object of his nightmares,
K-Mart. Not wasting any time, he strides to the doors and flings them open
with an air of aristocracy. He is met by a cold blast of stale air as he gapes
in awe at the vast array of "kwalitee" merchandice for the throngs of people to
buy. He laughs inwardly and ignores the youth group leader begging for
contributions at the door. Knowing exactly what he is doing, he heads to the
back of the store. He has used the covented techniques before but now he is
ready to go beyond. He is ready to cause utter havoc. Finding no one manning
the defunct "Pet section" our hero access the "page" fone option and says
"ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS... FOR THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, ALL THE MERCHANDISE YOU
CAN CARRY, HAUL, DRAG, OR LIFT TO CHECKOUT IS 80% OFF!" Then vacates the area
and watches the commotion as the throngs of greasers lug refrigerators, tv's,
appliances and even whole kitchen ensembles to checkout in a mad rush to buy as
the K-Mart people run here and there trying to no avail to restore order. With
the general populous caught up in that commotion, he goes to the "toiletries"
department and takes a bottle of "PRELL" from the shelf. He feels a moment of
guilt flash through him but that is swept aside by the years of training he has
had. Opening the bottle he writes "MATT ACKERET DOES IT WITH FIRE HYDRANTS" or
something of the sort. "Oh my!" he thinks, my bottle is 1/2 empty! well,
remeding that, he opens it and proceeds to piss in it and shakes it up,
replaces it on the counter, and does this to 5 more. "That was lucky" he
thinks as he heads to the kwalitee K-Mart TV department. When this place is
devoid of life, he turns the tv's all off and all to different stations, with
volume jacked up to 10 and reatreats. The kwalitee K-Mart compyooter dept.
has more fun for our hero.. the demo's can be easily rigged to give quite a
shock, our valiant vigilante thinks as he unplugs the box sitting there and
wets down the plug. He heads off to the Sporting Goods department to find even
more laughs awating him to the dismay of K-Mart employees. Wow! a K-Mart test
finger bowling ball! golly! He then proceeds to bowl over that little old
lady down the aisle (very sneakily, of course) or/and her basket of kwalitee
merchandise. Fishing rods you say?? He strides to the waiting poles (ick!)
and easily attaches the fly at the end to that EVERLAST punching bag over in
the corner. Replacing it in the rack and doing this to twelve others, our hero
has now rigged up the ultimate net-trap for the unsuspecting greaser. Shufflig
off to the foodstuff department our protaganist opens the bags of waiting
goodies and munches down, replacing the half-eaten bag with greatest caution.
Soon the entire shelf is a litter of Dorit-os, Frit-os, Tostit-os, mini
Burrit-os and all the other "o's" you might want.. Lingerie time.. thinks our
anarchistic friend. He trots off to the kwalitee lingerie dept.. Whipping out
his MAGIK-MARKER(C) he makes little smiley-faces over all the crotches (sorry
ladies) of the panties...
and a fone number of an arch-enemy...
Well, it is about time to leave but before he goes he makes one last trip to
the page fone and says "ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS, THERE ARE BLUE-LIGHT(YAY)
SPECIALS IN THE KWALITEE K-MART SHOE, BATHROBE, KITCHEN APPLIANCE, TV, STEREO,
LINGERIE, FOODSTUFF, COMPUTER, AND SHAMPOO DEPATMENTS..."
In the commotion of the greasers runnin g this way and that to get at these
precious items our wonderful guy slips out the back door and into the parking
lot as the TV's go blaring and the guy plugs in the computer....